When I was young....

As I get older I sit back and compare my life to when I was younger. Things were different....so innocent and pure. As my husband and I drive past the river, I recall many trips down the Nantahala. I was what some might consider a "river rat". I loved rafting, but oh how the rapids have changed! Now if offered the opportunity to ride the Nantahala I would not only be immobile for days, but I would probably die of hyperthermia after two minutes in the water.  Not to mention the problem the sun and I now have with each other. That in itself is a whole other post! Let's see, what's next...food! I can remember eating ANYTHING I wanted to. Now, before food can even touch my lips I have to take meds to protect my stomach! And even then it doesn't always work. RA has made my stomach lining so bad that I am surprised that I can eat at all. Ok, next subject before I get sad and have to go bake....which then goes back to food in my stomach. Energy! I remember having energy for days. I mean literally, DAYS. I would sleep on occasion and be perfectly fine. Well, not anymore. Now it's a toss up between  pain insomnia (which is totally different from regular insomnia ), and complete and utter exhaustion that keeps me bed ridden. No happy medium. But then again it's autoimmune, who said anything about happiness! Lastly, perspective. My perspective had changed. I now see that this isn't going away. This isn't going to be able to be hidden away in some deep dark part of me and never resurface. My disease is only getting worse. It's evolving into a beautiful monster that will one day consume me. When I was young I thought myself to be invincible. Now I know that to be untrue. It is every facet of RA/Fibro/ Raynauds/ TMJ/ Rosacea that is invincible. I am just a simple pawn on the board. But, the beauty of a simple pawn is that, if played correctly, I can ultimately be a Queen.